Monday, January 5, 2009

A Dose of Optimism

Well, the inevitable happened. The holidays passed, the decorations packed, the new year celebrated, and the 11 wonderful weeks of maternity leave have come to an end. Now it’s back to work. As I sit here at my desk trying to focus on housing assignments, training schedules, and budget requests, I find myself thinking about my little sweetie. I wonder what it is she is doing – telling her Aunt Shelley a story, playing on her mat, watching one of her movies, or just taking in the world around her.

Throughout this pregnancy, I was questioned as to whether I would return to work once Kendyl was born and my answer was always a definite “yes.” How could I not? I love my work, my students, and my colleagues. I had finally found a career that was fulfilling and I could not imagine not doing it. Not to mention, it provides a roof over our heads. I am sure the decision to return to work is one many new moms struggle with, but I never thought I would be one of them. Boy how things change. The thought of missing a moment of Kendyl’s life just tears me up. I long for that overwhelming feeling of contentment that consumes me as she wraps her tiny fingers around mine and flashes that melt-your-heart grin.

On top of this transition, I am starting classes again this week. When I enrolled in grad school in January 2007, I had already had four miscarriages so schoolwork was a great distraction. Although it was difficult to switch my mind back to ‘student mode’ after 9 years, I felt I had purpose. I enjoyed the interaction with the professors and learning the new trends in my field. In preparation for Kendyl, I took the fall semester off but now I have to get back to the ‘student’ mindset. I haven’t’ quite figured out when I will get my schoolwork completed since I want to spend every extra minute with Kendyl, but it’s a commitment I made to myself and must see through.

So now for my own dose of optimism:

I realize how fortunate I am to have a terrific sister who is willing to keep Kendyl so I don’t have to send her to a day care with strangers. Michelle has done a wonderful job helping me by sending text messages and pictures updating me on Kendyl’s day. I know Kendyl is in loving, capable hands and is doing much better dealing with the separation than her mommy. I will take a lesson from her (not the last one she will teach me, I’m sure). I have a wonderful husband and supportive family who will go to any lengths to make sure I am able to get everything done and hang on to my sanity in the process. I guess getting stuff done isn’t nearly as worrisome as the guilt from taking the time away from Kendyl. In addition, I focus on the example I am setting for Kendyl. I want her to know that she can accomplish anything she puts her mind to and can be a successful professional, student, wife, and mother.

I am sure I will rely on plenty of lists to get me through this. My work, school, and personal ‘to dos’ will have to be documented somewhere so I don’t get stuck in baby talk land. And let’s not forget the biggest blessing God has bestowed – Kendyl. For years I prayed I would have a little one so these little things that I have to work through now are really just small obstacles. It’s all going to be okay… I just have to give myself few days.

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