My Therapy

Since June 4, 2005, our lives have been an emotional roller coaster. We had just found out we were pregnant and just as quickly found out the baby would not survive. “Not a viable pregnancy” were the words the doctor used as he was exiting the room. Seven months later, we were back in the same ultrasound room being told that our second baby no longer had a heartbeat. This time, we were 12 weeks pregnant so surgery was required. After numerous tests, we found out that the baby had a genetic disorder that only occurs in 1% of ALL pregnancies. Just our luck, right?

This, of course, sparked concern so off to a specialist we went. Tests, tests, and more tests with encouraging results each time. Then came the medication. There were times I’m sure Kevin thought I had moved out and some crazy lady moved in. I felt horrible, but hopeful. I had more ultrasounds then I can count and I became a “regular” at the MedLab - often going every other day for bloodwork.

Another year and three lost pregnancies later I was losing hope. I couldn’t bear talking about everything we were going through because I couldn’t handle the emotions. I went through phases of sadness, anger, frustration, and confusion. I had so many unanswered questions - I didn’t know how to sort through them all. I spent hours researching online in an attempt to find answers. One glorious day, I came across an infertility website that had a link to a song by Kellie Coffey. After listening to the powerful lyrics, I realized she was telling my story. In every word, she fully captures what I was thinking and feeling. She sings about a loving husband, achievements, and dreams. She asks many of the same questions that were on my mind. This song quickly became the therapy I needed. On my bad days, I could play this song and feel some relief. On good days, it provided me with a glimpse of hope. It is hard to explain just how much comfort this song gave me but just singing it at the tops of my lungs with tears streaming down my face was exactly what I needed.

I share this now because my dream has come to life. God has given me the opportunity to be a part of a very special child’s heart. He created Kendyl especially for us and I see His glory every time I look into her eyes.

It was a year ago yesterday that we found out we were pregnant with Kendyl. The next nine months were filled with fear, elation, peace, and gratitude. Kendyl has filled my heart and it is sometimes hard to truly remember the feeling of emptiness I had for so many years. The Kelli Coffey song remains on my IPod and often pops up in my shuffle. I guess it is my continued therapy because each time I hear it, my heart fills with peace.

Here is a link to the song and video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ