His Plan

EJ and Riley, friends of ours, also keep a blog and one of Riley’s recent posts, ‘Trust Him for Tomorrow,’ really touched my heart. She talks about a sermon in church entitled ‘God’s Purpose: Right Now’ (you can check it out at http://051708.blogspot.com/). As I read her recap of the sermon, I realized just how true the words are and just how much they spoke to me.

I am a planner and like to feel in control of my life. In January 2005, Kevin and I had ‘the talk’ about starting a family and after checking my calendar, I determined May would work best for me. I calculated the best time to be on maternity leave in regards to work and the best months for being pregnant. Then, we set our plan in motion. I went to the doctor and had a complete physical and we decided May would be the month to get pregnant. Success!

Of course, our plan was quickly ripped away and we started the horrific trials with infertility. Throughout our struggles, it was difficult to maintain a strong faith. I knew He was with me every step, feeling the same pain we were experiencing, but I often found myself very angry at Him. I questioned Him and asked ‘Why’ more times than I can count. It was simple (in my eyes) and I didn’t understand why I could not have a baby. After all, I was ready.

It’s sad how quickly, in times of turmoil, we lose our faith. I had been lost for many months and the emptiness I was feeling was not only from the loss of our babies, but from the loss of Christ in my life. In October 2007, I realized that if I was going to survive another day, I needed to turn my heart back to God. I let go of my anger, I stopped asking why, and I placed my trust in Him. I knew He had a plan for us, even if it wasn’t on my timeline, and with Him by our side, we would be fine.

We stopped the tests, the medications, and the doctor’s appointments. As Riley says, “We must obey Him today and trust Him for tomorrow” and that is exactly what I did.

My outlook on life improved and I no longer felt empty. I was at peace and my heart was filled with love for a glorious God. Kevin and I weathered a great storm and our love had grown deeper than ever before. We knew there was a grandeur plan and we trusted Him to reveal it when the time was right. And that is just what He did.

Fast forward a year…

I am still a planner, although I have learned a great deal about flexibility, especially with a 4-month old. (YEAH!) I am continuously listening for God to speak to my heart and I am open to experience His plan, in His time. For this is the best plan I could ever have.